My thoughts run wild...

February 11, 2011

The past few days have been life changing. We had our first full day of lecture and were extremely exhausted. Waking up at 6:15 in the morning to go run, followed by a long day of learning feels a bit like high school again. I’m a bit annoyed with it, but I have adjusted and am starting to appreciate being up for sixteen to eighteen hours every day. Our lectures have been a bit boring, but that’s primarily because we are reviewing so much material we have already gone through. By noon, the temperature is in the high eighties/ low nineties. The food is repetitive now and the American cravings are starting to set in. I had a serious urge for some Annie’s Mac n Cheese the other day. In the afternoon, we were to go and do field observations of Lake Manyara National Park. We arrived at the park and it was hot. I had already gulped down a full water bottle and had one more remaining. For the first three or four kilometers, all we saw were tall trees and baboons, but that was all about to change. There was another van stopped in front of us with all the lenses pointed to the brush. As we pulled up, there was an elephant feeding. It was a mother with it’s young. Jaws were dropped. Every part of my body felt alive as I saw the first true signs of intense African Wildlife. We continued to see animals all throughout the day, but it didn’t seem as natural as I thought. For starters, there were many other people around. In my mind, I had always envisioned an Into the Wild type experience. That is, complete solitude with nature. Anger, frustration and anxiety started to take over my feelings since this was clearly not the case. I don’t know what it is about being alone with nature, but the fact that I came to Africa to get so far away from the Western World, but felt so close to it at the park really bothered me. It was very unnatural despite that being the reasoning for everyone being there. We wandered around the park for a bit more, saw some more animals, but still felt a bit annoyed. We saw a baboon mating which was pretty awesome.

We spent the next morning at the park observing baboons for two and half hours, it was very peaceful and I could have observed them all day. They are so human like it’s almost scary. After a while, some of the infant baboons began to climb and play on the hood of our car. I was completely amused, but the girls seemed a bit frightened. We made our way back to the camp and when we arrived there was a beautiful white goat there. It was the goat that we would be slaughtering in a few hours. The classes passed and everyone was near asleep in Environmental Policy. We were supposed to watch a movie for the last hour of class, but the video wasn’t working so we decided to go and watch the slaughtering of the goat.

Yohana, our Swahili teacher, along with a few other locals took the goat to the back of the garage. Set it down, grabbed it’s head so it wouldn’t squeal in pain, and slit it’s throat. At first, it was extremely hard to watch, but then it almost became beautiful. The goat immediately started to spasm as the blood started to gush into the bucket that would be later used for soup. Now, fellow reader, you must be wondering how something like this could be beautiful and that is exactly what I am going to tell you. As we were watching the goat being slaughtered, I was fortunate enough to have a clear view. The spasms began to slow and then all of the sudden there was this final exhale, a breath more spiritual than anything I have ever felt, heard or seen before. The balance between life and death was so thin that it is almost scary. The goat was dragged towards a tree where it was hanged upside down and skinned. Amazing. While many, if not most, would find this repulsive, there was a real beauty to it. That goat was at peace. It didn’t feel the skinning. It was unaware of anything. It was no longer living. There would never be pain, hunger or any of the struggles that we living things go through every day. It made death that much more interesting. I was awe inspired. Not to kill obviously, but the fact that the discussion that Austin, Mikayla and I had the other day seemed to really sink in at that moment. Death isn’t something that is supposed to be painful; no it is quite the opposite. It is peaceful and spiritual. I have never been one to think of spirits, but I can definitely understand why so many people through so many thousands of years believe in them. Two hours later, we were devouring the goat. It was delicious, and really weird to think about. We had just seen that goat not only be killed, but skinned and the entire process. It makes me appreciate the beauty of my life. How easy death can occur should really humble any human. We are not immortal, we are very mortal, one mistake and it could be over, but you won’t know it’s over because you won’t be there to process it. Sorry if this sounds really sad, but these are just some of the things that I was thinking about when this entire process was occurring. We sat by the fire later that night and continued to bond with one another. The entire night seemed to have this spiritual aura in the air. It was very peaceful.


February 12, 2011
I’m feeling a bit homesick right now. Maybe I’m not. I don’t know, the point is something is bothering me. I am used to being such a people person, but lately, all I have wanted is to be alone. In fact, I am happiest when I am alone and away from everyone else. I find myself falling into books more often than not and when I am disturbed from my own schedule, I feel a bit annoyed. It has been weird trying to adjust to this selfless lifestyle since my lifestyle in the states is nothing short of selfish. Maybe this is what change feels like. Maybe I am being reborn the way I wanted to be reborn. Whatever it is, there are moments of ecstasy and there are moments of agony. The book I am reading, Solitude, is the story of a man who spends an entire year alone in the Patagonia wilderness. I find him, much like I find Chris McCandless, inspiring. He writes in a diary every day and there is a quote that I was reading to me that I really love and find true to myself. “This is a problem with all my relationships. The most serious case is with myself. I feel I somehow own myself and feel the right to control what I do and feel and what happens to me. From there it follows that the world is mine to do with as I wish. But I didn’t make me, nor do I own me or the world. I’m just part of the flow of existence” (Kull, 102). Throughout my entire life, I feel as though I need to be in control. If I don’t have the power, I am miserable. For the past year, I have been going through a self- rejuvenation. I have been working on letting things that I cannot control be and focusing on the things I can control. I still struggle with it, but I am closer to understanding this concept than I was a year ago and this is, in my mind a step of maturity. I used to always need to talk about myself. I would be constantly giving monologues when I should be having a dialogue with people. I have made a conscious effort to not tell too much about myself and only speak when asked. There have been improvements. As I mentioned earlier, there is an importance in listening. Every individual thinks they are great, people don’t want to hear about how great you are, they like talking about themselves. I am learning that letting these people talk about themselves to me makes me a much more likeable person. I am open and if someone has a question about my life, I will gladly respond, but I am sick of it always being about me.

So Elliot, what is that you long to be? A part of me longs to be an introvert. That’s not a joke. I wish at times I wasn’t as friendly as I am constantly perceived. I wish that I could hide in my own thoughts. I think a part of my own odyssey is a transition to a more introverted self. Getting back to my original thoughts of this entry, I am finding alone time more and more desirable. I am constantly exhausted when I am around people and find happiness in sharing my own thoughts with this journal I am keeping. Today for example, I spent my entire free time alone. I skipped lunch to listen to one of my favorite album, Blink-182, and then went for a run. I had absolutely no desire to be around people. My own company was all I needed and all I really wanted. In class, I kept quiet and the second class was over, I disappeared to read my book, and now here I am writing while the rest of the group plays games and intermingles with one another. Am I really changing this fast? Is it the solitude that I came here in search of? A part of me longs to be the next Chris McCandless, no, every part of me longs to be him. Well, everything except for the death. I guess I should start changing my views to Robert Kull, who spent a year alone and lived to tell the tale. Non-the-less, these men seek their own inner peace. These men want to find truth within themselves and not through others. Maybe that’s why I was so frustrated when I was at Lake Manyara National Park. It may sound selfish, but what I really wanted was to be alone with the animals. I wanted there to only be the sound of nature. I guess once in a while, even the most extraverted of people need to hide in their shell to seek knowledge. Perhaps, for the past few years, I have been longing for this solitude and find myself frustrated that I have not yet had the chance to experience it. Maybe what’s really bothering me is the fact that I want to be completely alone from the world for an extended period of time and have yet to find that solitude. One day, I will do such an adventure. One day I will be completely away from society. I talked a lot about ex communicating myself when I was here in Africa, and writing this entry has helped me understand why. My next great rebirth of my life may very well not be from Africa, but solitude.